


Secret Window

by DrunkenColaBottle



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, Crack, Crowley tries to write fanfiction, No Plot, this is basically just stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-30
Updated: 2014-09-30
Packaged: 2018-02-19 09:27:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2383289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrunkenColaBottle/pseuds/DrunkenColaBottle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crowley tries to write a fanfiction, but gets interrupted and has his story hi-jacked by a bunch of idiots.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Secret Window

**Author's Note:**

> I really just wanted to try and make a work skin... so, as you can imagine, this isn't incredibly serious.

| _Crowley_ |

It was a particularly fine summer’s day in the middle of August. The boys, as was their custom during this time of year, were running around in circles trying to clean up their latest May-mishap. One would think they’d take special care not to make any big plans for the month of May, considering their history, but they were not the kind to think big. Or even think at all, it would seem.

Currently, they were within the confines of an exquisitely decorated abandoned factory. Clearly, the owner of this fine establishment was a true man of sophistication.

The larger man of the duo, the one known as ‘Moose’ (and sometimes ‘Sam’), was just about done mopping up the pool of meaty mush that had previously been their incredibly expendable shoulder-percher of a friend that had managed to explode. It was a habit.

“I wish he wouldn’t do that,” Moose said wearily.

His brother, who was not a moose, was posing dramatically by one of the windows. It was one of the few joys he found in his otherwise miserable existence. His name was Dean.

“Yeah,” he said solemnly, keeping his stare at the horizon.

“You could help, you know,” Moose said.

Dean did not move from where he was standing, but simply sighed slowly.

“He was our friend, Sammy. I can’t look at him like that,” he said.

“He was pretty useless,” Moose said, throwing the mop to the side where it landed on the floor with a soft clank, “I don’t know why we even hang out with him.”

Dean sighed again.

“Because, Sammy, friends, family, blah blah; it’s important. We’re _very_ emotional.”

_“You’re_ very emotional,” Moose said, “And then you just project that onto me because you’re embarrassed. No one actually likes Cass.”

‘Cass’ was, of course, the soggy pile of haggis on the floor. There had been a time when there were people who actually kept count of how many times he had died, but that time had long since passed. It didn’t matter because, somehow, he always managed to come back to life again, a fact no one was particularly happy about – except for Dean, who was emotional.

“Yeah, well you’re stupid,” Dean said. He possessed excellent wit.

“Whatever, Dean. We should probably leave. Now when we have unleashed Purgatory on Earth, all of humanity will probably go extinct before the end of the week. We should lock ourselves up in the bunker until it blows over.”

“It’s not going to blow over, Sammy. We’re all going to die, and there’s nothing we can do about it,” Dean said, placing a hand against the window frame to lean on.

“It doesn’t have to be like that,” Moose said, “We’ll lay low. The bunker is the safest place in the whole world, right? Once the angels and demons have cleaned up our mess, you and Cass can start repopulating the Earth.”

Dean groaned because his brother was a moose, and it was straining having to live with that. It was probably one of the reasons why he was so emotional.

“Basic anatomy, Sammy; it doesn’t work like that. Besides, how long do you think we’ll survive hiding in the bunker? Sure, monsters might not get us, but sooner or later we’ll starve to death.”

“Not if you bribe him.”

“Hello, Dean.”

The older, and smaller, of the two finally tore his eyes away from the window.

“I’m back now,” Castiel said. Once again, not even Death had wanted anything to do with the featherbrained bastard. It was understandable. God almighty never quite had managed to outdo himself in creating such a nuisance of a being ever since the creation of Castiel. No one liked him. He was deeply hated by everyone with a brain larger than a pea, and the only reason anyone ever even spoke to him was because he simply wouldn’t go away. The only exception was Dean who, in fact, wasn’t an exception at all, seeing how he lacked a brain altogether. He was stupid beyond comprehension. No one liked him either. Actually, no one liked _any_ of them. They were more trouble than they were worth (especially considering that they weren’t worth much at all) and they always dragged the whole world with them down the drain whenever an opportunity to do presented itself. There was a reason people killed them so often.

“Cass!” Dean gasped, crossing the room to catch the angel in a maternal embrace, “I thought I’d never see you again!”

“Dean, that’s literally the fifth time today, you need to stop encouraging him or he’s just going to keep exploding,” Moose said.

“He has a condition, Sammy, have a heart!” Dean said loudly, hogging the head of the angel as close as he possibly could to his chest.

“Dean, be gentle with me. I am a delicate flower,” Castiel gurgled. This was a lie, but Dean was easily fooled so he believed it anyway. Castiel was an inherently deceitful individual, who enjoyed lying to people for the sole purpose of being a little prat. It was one of the reasons no one liked him.

 

| _Dean_ |

This is stupid, c’mon man, what the hell?

 

| _Crowley_ |

Butt out Squirrel. Not your story.

 

| _Dean_ |

Just stop being a dick.

 

| _Crowley_ |

How about you get out of my document and mind your own business? You can start calling the shots when you become the author.

 

| _Dean_ |

Oh, really?

 

| _Dean_ |

Dean let go of Cas. They were not going to go camp in the bunker while the whole world burned. That the gate or whatever to purgatory was even open was actually Crowley’s fault because he was an evil douchebag. He had pretended to want to help beat the crap out of the son’s-of-bitches in heaven who were also evil douchebags, but had double crossed them the last minute because he was an evil douchebag. He also had a small dick.

Dean, Sam and Cas walked out of the ugly factory and got into the Impala and drove off to wherever the hell the gate thing was. On the way they hit Crowley with their car (who didn’t get a scratch) and he died. Sam and Cas put on party hats, because that was awesome.

They got to the gate pretty soon because it was close by. There were 500 monsters there just waiting to be gunned down, and Dean was like “Okay” and started shooting. There was blood and brains and intestines flying everywhere, and the ground was covered in gore and shattered bone. Things exploded. It was badass. Dean ganked most of the monsters, and Sammy took down like 3.

“O my god, Dean,” Sammy said when all the evil things were dead, “I wish I was as cool as you.”

 

| _Sam_ |

Dean.

 

| _Dean_ |

What?

 

| _Sam_ |

What are you doing?

 

| _Dean_ |

I’m being creative

 

| _Sam_ |

Right. ‘Cause it looks like you’re being an idiot. I would never say stuff like that.

 

| _Dean_ |

Yeah, well you’re a bit more _open_ in this story.

 

| _Sam_ |

What’s that supposed to mean?

 

| _Dean_ |

Jesus – it means this is an artistic interpretation of your inner self finally allowing itself to express the things you feel you can’t say out loud.

 

| _Sam_ |

I think it means you’re an idiot.

 

| _Crowley_ |

Excellent wit.

 

| _Dean_ |

Shut up.

 

| _Sam_ |

Oh, wow, you’re _both_ stupid. Who would have thought?

 

| _Dean_ |

Oh, c’mon! Don’t put me on the same level as him!

 

| _Sam_ |

You’re the one writing stories about our lives with him. You put yourself on that level.

 

| _Dean_ |

Have you read the crap he wrote?

 

| _Sam_ |

It’s just text, Dean.

 

| _Dean_ |

It was insulting

 

| _Sam_ |

I know.

 

| _Dean_ |

He called you moose

 

| _Sam_ |

… I know.

 

| _Dean_ |

Did you read the crap he wrote about Cas?

 

| _Sam_ |

Yeah, that was douchey. Okay, I get your point. But if you’re gonna add stuff, you can at least do it properly.

 

| _Dean_ |

What are talking about? What I added was the good part.

 

| _Sam_ |

Right. It’s just, ya’know, it’s a little…

 

| _Dean_ |

What?

 

| _Sam_ |

Well I just think it could use a bit more work is all.

 

| _Dean_ |

It’s a first draft

 

| _Sam_ |

Right. It looks good. Great.

 

| _Dean_ |

…

 

| _Sam_ |

Ya’know, for a first draft.

 

| _Dean_ |

You know what? Screw you. If you really think you can do any better, then prove it.

 

| _Sam_ |

I’m not gonna play with you guys.

 

| _Dean_ |

Chicken.

 

| _Sam_ |

I’m not a chicken just because I don’t want to get involved in your games.

 

| _Dean_ |

Wow, you’re probably the biggest chicken I’ve ever seen. You would have made one hell of an omelette.

 

| _Sam_ |

Shut up, I’m not doing it.

 

| _Dean_ |

Quack, quack, Sammy

 

| _Sam_ |

That’s not even- damnit Dean.

 

| _Sam_ |

There were not 500 hundred monsters, that’s absurd, there were nine and they took out three each. They were lucky, because the gate had only been open for a short while, but time was of the essence. If they didn’t get it shut before the evils of the other side realized that it was open, the future of the whole world would be at stake. They had no time to lose.

The gate was located in a place that looked like an old farm, although there was a clearly unnatural air over the whole area. Despite the age of the buildings, the place still looked to be in business, as they could hear horses neigh somewhere nearby, and because there were chickens walking on the ground. No one seemed to have fed them for a few days. By the look of things, the farm’s human inhibitors were long gone.

“Bakaw,” said one of the chickens, because it was a chicken, and not a duck.

“I understand,” Castiel said to the chicken, “Tell me more of what transpired here.”

“Bakaw, bakaw,” said the chicken, staring angrily at Dean.

“Yes, you’re right; he is an idiot,” said Castiel, “But that’s irrelevant. Where’s the gate?”

“Bakaw, bakaw, bakaw. Bakaw, bakaw, bakaw, bakaw, ba

 

| _Dean_ |

OKAY I GET IT!

 

| _Sam_ |

“I see,” Castiel said nodding knowingly.

“You see what?” Sam asked.

“It’s inside the house up on the hill, where the family who used to own this farm lived. They’re dead now.”

“Oh.”

“Yes. According to Mr Beaky, they were attacked during the dark, two nights ago. He didn’t get too good of a look at the perpetrators, but he thinks they were vampires,” Castiel continued.

“Well that sucks,” Dean said, “I hope no hot babes were harmed.”

Both Sam and Cas glared at him. Sometimes, Dean really needed to get his head out of the gutter.

“Bakaw, bakaw,” said the chicken.

“Actually,” Castiel translated, “They were _all_ hot babes.”

“Son-of-a-bitch!” Dean exclaimed.

“That means that now they’re probably hot vampire babes,” Sam reasoned.

“And we need to kill them,” Dean sighed dramatically, “This hurts me. Sometimes, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.” He was getting emotional again.

 

| _Dean_ |

Bitch…

 

| _Sam_ |

Dean was also a jerk.

“Sometimes, I wonder why Dean is such a jerk,” Sam pondered aloud, “First he insists that I join in on something stupid, and then he won’t stop complaining once I do. He is truly the king of all jerks.”

“Yes, he is such a jerk,” Cas agreed.

“He also doesn’t know what a chicken sounds like,” Sam continued.

“I agree,” Cas said, “He is an ignorant jerk.”

 

| _Dean_ |

You know how you were whining before about ‘I wouldn’t say stuff like that’? Yeah, well, Cas wouldn’t say stuff like _that_.

 

| _Sam_ |

It’s an artistic interpretation of his inner self emerging and saying what he actually wants to say.

 

| _Dean_ |

You know if you didn’t want to write here, you could have just _not_.

 

| _Sam_ |

I’m just making the story more believable.

 

| _Dean_ |

Cas calling me a jerk is _not_ believable.

 

| _Sam_ |

I think it is.

 

| _Crowley_ |

Are you boys done butchering my work, or…?

 

| _Dean_ |

Shut up.

 

| _Dean_ |

He would _not_ call me that. And I know what a chicken sounds like, assmunch.

 

| _Sam_ |

Yeah, well, I’m writing the story now, so unless you manage to tear him away from his new lord and master, I’m afraid there’s nothing we can do about it.

 

| _Sam_ |

So, anyway, the three of them left the chicken behind and walked up the hill towards the house. It was eerily quiet and looked as though it had been left in disarray for a lot longer than just a few days. Seeing how there seemed to be very few other people living near the farm, chances were the hot vampire babes were hungry by now. They’d have to be extra careful, if they didn’t want to end up turned themselves. They sneaked up to the front door that had been left ajar. These things sure didn’t look like they cared about keeping people out, which only strengthened Sam’s theory that they were hungry.

 

| _Crowley_ |

_Of course_ they’re hungry, you bottle cap! They’re _vampires!_ Honestly, you and your brother lack all forms of finesse.

 

| _Sam_ |

Oh, but look! Crowley was not dead yet, and had stuck to the front of the Impala and was now being pecked to death by Mr Beaky! Dean and Cas put on their party hats.

Sam, who was set on killing the very hungry hot vampire babes, opened the door leading into the house. It was dark and quiet, and floorboards creaked with every step he took. He tried to make his steps softer, but it was to no avail. It didn’t help that Dean was stomping around behind him. Sam went on. The first room they encountered lacked a door leading into it, and the old sofa had been torn beyond repair, and someone had run a pitchfork through the TV. The inner wall was lined with broken bookshelves that had been defiled and had had their books torn from their rightful positions. The floor was layered with ripped out pages and book backs, some of which Sam recognized.

 

| _Charlie_ |

He said a silent prayer for them.

“May you rest in peace, brave soldiers,” he whispered.

 

| _Sam_ |

… what?

 

| _Charlie_ |

It’s sad, right? Those books probably made someone really happy once. Not to mention some of them could have had collector’s value.

 

| _Dean_ |

Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. _Eat it._

 

| _Sam_ |

Really, Dean? It wasn’t enough that the two of us got dragged into this? You’re gonna waste Charlie’s time too?

 

| _Dean_ |

No. I’m gonna waste Charlie’s _AND_ Cas’ time

 

| _Sam_ |

…

 

| _Charlie_ |

Team Phoenix joined the chat. I hope you’re ready for some major ass-kicking, ‘cause if you guys are writing fanfics, I’m now the senior member of this operation.

 

| _Sam_ |

So where’s Cas?

 

| _Charlie_ |

He’s with me. I let him borrow my ipad. He’s not used to it yet.

 

| _Dean_ |

But, to get to the reason why I brought you here – would Cas ever call me a jerk?

 

| _Charlie_ |

He wouldn’t use that phrasing, I don’t think.

 

| _Dean_ |

Because I’m not a jerk

 

| _Charlie_ |

You have your moments.

 

| _Sam_ |

Wait, what was that again? Oh yeah: Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.

 

| _Dean_ |

Cas doesn’t think I’m a jerk! I’m like a teddy bear, I’m awesome to be around

 

| _Castiel_ |

O domt

 

| _Dean_ |

What…?

 

| _Castiel_ |

I don’t think you’re a jerk.

 

| _Charlie_ |

But he does think you’re an ass sometimes.

 

| _Castiel_ |

I didnt ttype that

 

| _Dean_ |

You traitor. I trusted you.

 

| _Castiel_ |

Dean, it was a joke. I don’t think you’re an ass.

 

| _Dean_ |

I dunno man that was just really hurtful

 

| _Castiel_ |

I’m sorry Dean I didn’t mean to hurt you

 

| _Dean_ |

Well, it’s a little late for that, I’m very emotional.

 

| _Castiel_ |

Charlie just informed me that you’re joking.

 

| _Sam_ |

Guys, we’re in the middle of killing hot vampire babes (who are hungry), would you focus?

 

| _Charlie_ |

Right!

 

| _Charlie_ |

Sam swore to avenge the passing of the literature, and strode with purpose back out into the hallway. Suddenly, a sexy vampire chick jumped at him, snaking her legs around him in an iron grip as she tried to get a bite of his juicy flesh. There was a loud BAM and the vampire fell dead to the floor. Everyone’s heads turned to the door opening, where the greatest hunter of all time stood with the morning sun at her back; Charlie Bradbury. She whipped some hair out of her face, making her locks bounce dramatically on her shoulders.

“What’s up, bitches?” she said.

“Holy crap!” Dean exclaimed.

“Thank God, it’s Charlie!” Sam said.

“I don’t know what’s going on,” Cas mumbled.

“No time for this!” Charlie told them, “The rest of them probably heard the shot. Be ready, they’ll attack at any moment!”

She was right. Out from every corner of the house crept hordes of evil vampire babes, who flung themselves at them with their teeth bared. Charlie emptied her guns, filled with vamptonite bullets, into as many of them as she could before she realized that they were just too many.

 

| _Sam_ |

Vamptonite bullets?

 

| _Charlie_ |

Yeah, you know, like the leviathan vamptonite stuff. But in bullet form.

 

| _Charlie_ |

“We have to retreat back to my tank, we can’t take them like this!” she yelled. The others agreed, following her lead as they made their way back outside. The battle may have been momentarily lost, but they would not loose the war!

 

| _Castiel_ |

Why don’t I just smite them?

 

| _Charlie_ |

Who?

 

| _Castiel_ |

The vampires. So far, the only good I’ve done is talk to a chicken.

 

| _Charlie_ |

Oh. Yeah, that’d be too easy. You get knocked out.

 

| _Castiel_ |

By a vampire?

 

| _Dean_ |

By an evil vampire duck babe who says ‘bakaw’

 

| _Charlie_ |

Yes. Cas was just about to end the fight for them, when a gigantic vampire duck babe jumped out from a closet. It was the queen of all vampires.

“BAKAW!” she screamed, as she stomped her big duck foot on Cas and he fell unconscious.

“Oh, crap!” Charlie gasped, “That thing is huge!”

 

| _Dean_ |

“That’s what she said,” Dean said.

 

| _Sam_ |

“This is stupid,” Sam said.

 

| _Dean_ |

“BAKAW,” screamed the duck queen, and stomped on Sam too.

 

| _Charlie_ |

“We need to save them!” Charlie shouted. Dean nodded, and picked up Cas on his shoulder. He grabbed onto Sam by his hair and pulled him along too.

 

| _Sam_ |

Hey!

 

| _Charlie_ |

“Come on, Dean! Store them in the tank!” Charlie opened the hatch to her tank and motioned for Dean to join her. All four of them managed to get inside without dying.

“You make them comfortable, and I’ll go ahead and show you what my baby here can do. They don’t call her the Basilisk for nothing,” Charlie said, seating herself inside the tank’s specially customized cockpit.

“The moment you lay eyes on her, _you’re dead_.”

Charlie pressed the biggest and reddest button on the dashboard, and a missile the size of king-sized bed shot out from the tank’s main gun, blowing the whole house into one big friggin’ crater.

 

| _Castiel_ |

Did you just kill all the vampires? What was the point of knocking me out? It had no impact on the story at all.

 

| _Charlie_ |

Yes it did, we just haven’t gotten to that part yet. And they’re not ALL dead, some managed to get out.

 

| _Dean_ |

And we still need to close the gate.

 

| _Charlie_ |

Gate? Right. The gate. We still need to close the gate.

 

| _Charlie_ |

“We need to close the gate,” Dean reminded Charlie.

“I know, but I’m a little busy blowing vampires up. I’ll make a path for you, but you’ll have to do the job on your own! We’re counting on you!”

“Yes, milady!” Dean said, waiting for Charlie to do as she promised. In the meantime, he stopped to make sure that his brother and friend weren’t mashed potato people. Sam looked fine, but Cas looked like he might not pull through.

 

| _Castiel_ |

That doesn’t make any sense. I’m an angel. Sam is a human. How are my injuries worse than his when we suffered the same blow?

 

| _Charlie_ |

Because you’re a delicate flower.

 

| _Charlie_ |

“Charlie!” Dean called, “Cas is hurt bad. I’m not going out there until I know he’ll be alright.”

“Roger that,” Charlie replied, slicing a few heads off with her joy-stick controlled machete, “Give him CPR!”

 

| _Dean_ |

He’s an angel he doesn’t need cpr

 

| _Charlie_ |

“Sing him a lullaby!” Charlie ordered. Dean didn’t know any lullabies, so he instead started singing Stairway to Heaven. This didn’t help at all, because Cas didn’t like that song.

“Charlie! Our healer is down, and I don’t know what to do! I’m tank specced, I’m not meant to deal with this sort of thing!”

“Dean!” Charlie snapped. She turned her head to look at the frantic man who was now hugging his dying friend in his arms.

“Dean,” she said again, this time more softly, “You’re like a druid, okay? It doesn’t matter how you deal your points, you still have the power to heal rooted into the essence of your character.”

 

| _Dean_ |

I actually don’t know what anyone’s saying anymore.

 

| _Castiel_ |

She’s saying you have the heart of a healer, even as you have set your mind on a path of destruction.

 

| _Dean_ |

Oh. I don’t know if that’s sweet or insulting.

 

| _Charlie_ |

“But I don’t remember how to heal,” Dean said.

“It’s called CPR,” Charlie informed him.

 

| _Dean_ |

He’s an angel! It’s not gonna work!

 

| _Charlie_ |

“He’s an angel, so that’s not gonna work,” Dean said, looking down at his best friend who was slowly fading away in his arms. Aside from being emotional, he was also very stubborn. If he didn’t think something would work, he wouldn’t even so much as try it. Even if his best friend’s life depended on it. His best friend, who had saved his own life more times than he could even count. His best friend who would rather spend an eternity alone and hunted in Purgatory, than risk Dean getting hurt. His best friend who

 

| _Dean_ |

JUST DO THE DAMNED CPR

 

| _Charlie_ |

“Actually, I think I’ll just do the damned CPR,” Dean decided. It wasn’t like he actually had anything to lose.

 

| _Sam_ |

How does this have anything to do with closing the gate and killing vampires?

 

| _Charlie_ |

We’re adding a romantic subplot. To flesh out the story.

 

| _Dean_ |

No we’re not

 

| _Charlie_ |

We need to appeal to a broader audience. I think it’s the general consensus that if any two people should end up together, it should be you two. I mean, Sam’s your brother and I’m not into dudes.

 

| _Dean_ |

I strongly disagree.

 

| _Charlie_ |

Okay. Sam and Cas, then.

 

| _Sam_ |

Seriously?

 

| _Dean_ |

We don’t _need_ a romantic subplot, because we don’t _need_ to _appeal_ to _anyone_.

 

| _Charlie_ |

It’s too late. You should have filed your complaints earlier. Sam’ll take over your role as ‘hero who gets the girl who in this case happens to be a guy’. It’s no biggie.

 

| _Castiel_ |

I don’t see the reasoning behind many of the choices you make.

 

| _Charlie_ |

Now I just feel like everyone’s raining on my parade. You guys wanna take over as lead writer?

 

| _Sam_ |

I think I did a good job before.

 

| _Dean_ |

Sam, you literally just wrote about chickens and books.

 

| _Sam_ |

And you wrote like a five-year-old.

 

| _Dean_ |

That was a first draft, and I wasn’t being serious.

 

| _Sam_ |

Fine. Okay. Take it from here then.

 

| _Dean_ |

Yeah, I will.

 

| _Dean_ |

Uh… what the hell was even happening?

 

| _Charlie_ |

Cas was dying in your arms.

 

| _Dean_ |

Right. Um. So, Dean- it feels really weird writing about myself in third person.

 

| _Charlie_ |

You can do it. Cas’ life depends on it.

 

| _Castiel_ |

Yes, Dean. I’m dying.

 

| _Dean_ |

That’shut up. So Cas was dying and stuff, but he didn’t need cpr, because he’s an angel, and they don’t need that… actually, Cas wasn’t really all that bad off, Dean just wasn’t a friggin’ angel doctor so he couldn’t tell earlier. So Cas woke up.

“I’m fine,” he said.

“That’s great, man,” Dean said and patted him on the back. They got up to the hatch.

“We’ll take care of the gate now, Charlie,” Dean said and she gave them her okay. They got out, armed to the teeth with machetes, vamptonite guns, and angel blades. Just for good measure.

 

| _Castiel_ |

Then Castiel killed all the remaining vampires.

 

| _Dean_ |

What? No, Castiel killed 3.

 

| _Castiel_ |

Castiel killed all of them, including the duck.

 

| _Dean_ |

Castiel didn’t kill _any_ of them. Castiel tripped on a severed head and knocked himself out.

 

| _Castiel_ |

No, he didn’t.

 

| _Dean_ |

Yes he did, and then Dean had to fight off hordes of vampires just to keep them from munching on his angelic booty. It was embarrassing.

 

| _Castiel_ |

But then, Castiel woke up and killed all of them.

 

| _Dean_ |

No, Castiel stayed face down in the dirt while Dean valiantly fought to save his ass. But Dean couldn’t just leave him there, because then he’d be turned into a vampire angel, which is the worst kind of vampire, and he didn’t want that, so he had to throw him up on his back and carry him with him towards the gate as he chopped off sexy vampire heads.

 

| _Castiel_ |

I don’t think I like this story.

 

| _Dean_ |

When Dean finally managed to reach the gate, the sight of the unholy chasm leading into purgatory sent shivers down his spine. But he was not one to back down, so he walked closer to it. It was spewing out evil douchebags by the minute; only since they had arrived a minimum of 491 monsters had slipped through. Probably more. He put Cas down and inspected the gate. He had no idea how to close the thing. Seriously, he didn’t even know what it looked like. What did it look like?

 

| _Charlie_ |

Like an oblivion gate.

 

| _Dean_ |

That means nothing.

 

| _Sam_ |

It looked like a huge cactus with a hat.

 

| _Charlie_ |

What kind of hat?

 

| _Sam_ |

It’s red and square.

 

| _Dean_ |

Why the hell would something like that send shivers down my spine?

 

| _Sam_ |

Because you’re really emotional.

 

| _Dean_ |

Of course. Yeah, that makes sense. Dean walked up to the cactus gate of purgatory and inspected it thoroughly. It was ugly, like most things Sam designed.

 

| _Sam_ |

I didn’t design it, it just looks like that.

 

| _Castiel_ |

It was probably God.

 

| _Dean_ |

Right. It was ugly, like most things God designed. God had horrible taste. He was due a haircut, too.

 

| _Sam_ |

Don’t make me bakaw you.

 

| _Castiel_ |

That’s when Castiel woke up. He didn’t do anything, because doing so was clearly not his purpose. He just didn’t want to be knocked out anymore.

 

| _Charlie_ |

He walked up to Dean.

“Dean,” he said, “I told you to be gentle with me, why won’t you ever listen?”

“I’m sorry,” Dean said, running his hand over the cactus gate. There had to be some sort of mechanism to close it with.

“Dean, you’re not listening. I’m injured. I need your manly healing hands on me.”

 

| _Dean_ |

Damnit Charlie!

 

| _Charlie_ |

“Damnit, Cas!” Dean snapped, “I don’t have time to satisfy you right now, we’re dealing with an apocalypse-like scenario here!”

“Then I will seduce your brother instead,” Cas decided.

“You really think you can pull that off?” Dean asked.

“You forget, Dean; I’m a master of seduction.”

 

| _Castiel_ |

I don’t think I’ve ever seduced anyone.

 

| _Charlie_ |

“I don’t think Sam will fall for it,” Dean said, removing half of his attention from the door to focus on Cas, and using the rest to fight off evil monsters the moment they peeked their heads out.

“I suppose we will see. But first, I must say farewell to the face I have come to love, and must now never see again,” Cas said.

“Cas, you don’t need to do anything drastic, we can talk about this when the gate is closed.”

“There will always be a gate, Dean. You will always find some way to run from your feelings. I will not burden you with my affections any longer. Goodnight, sweet prince.”

Castiel turned around and started walking.

“Cas!” Dean called, but he didn’t stop.

 

| _Castiel_ |

This is very sad.

 

| _Dean_ |

This is very _stupid_. Why would he quote hamlet, anyway?

 

| _Castiel_ |

I will remember our love forever, Dean.

 

| _Dean_ |

Charlie, stop making him write dumb stuff.

 

| _Castiel_ |

You were the Leia to my Han.

 

| _Dean_ |

Screw you guys

 

| _Charlie_ |

“I’m going home,” said Castiel, “But not before I marry your brother.”

 

| _Dean_ |

Dean kicked the damned cactus door down until it was a puddle of cactus juice on the floor. The world was saved. Hurray. He then went home, watched porn and got drunk.

 

| _Charlie_ |

Unfortunately for Dean, the evil vampire duck queen followed him home and laid eggs inside his car. Soon, the world was so overrun by her ducklings that Cas and Sam had to spend their honeymoon exterminating them.

 

| _Castiel_ |

Wait, I actually married Sam?

 

| _Sam_ |

I don’t remember agreeing to that.

 

| _Castiel_ |

I thought Dean and I would make up. That’s what happened in all those movies you showed me.

 

| _Charlie_ |

Two movies. And real life doesn’t always end like the stories. I know it sucks, but you’ll have to try and be happy with Sam. Think of the children.

 

| _Sam_ |

I thought we established that it didn’t work like that.

 

| _Charlie_ |

Castiel is an angel. I’m sure he can figure something out.

 

| _Castiel_ |

We could adopt.

 

| _Sam_ |

I guess…

 

| _Charlie_ |

What will you name him?

 

| _Sam_ |

I guess we’ll name him after Dean.

 

| _Castiel_ |

I don’t want to name my son after Dean. He’s a jerk. We should have a daughter and name her after Charlie.

 

| _Charlie_ |

Aw, you guys are the sweetest.

 

| _Dean_ |

Did you seriously just call me a jerk?

 

| _Sam_ |

If we have a son, we could name him after Elvis.

 

| _Castiel_ |

Elvis Winchester? I suppose I can accept that.

 

| _Charlie_ |

You would have the cutest kids. You should dress them up as ewoks.

 

| _Sam_ |

Only on the weekends.

 

| _Charlie_ |

Oh, I know! Charlie Leia Winchester, and Elvis Luke Winchester. Badass middle names.

 

| _Castiel_ |

I like them.

 

| _Sam_ |

Yeah, they’re great.

 

| _Dean_ |

Okay fine! I’ll marry Cas, just shut up!

 

| _Charlie_ |

Wow…

 

| _Sam_ |

It’s a little late for that Dean. We already have two kids.

 

| _Dean_ |

Oh, knock it off, you don’t even want him.

 

| _Sam_ |

But you do?

 

| _Dean_ |

I _want_ you guys to shut up.

 

| _Sam_ |

Cas and Dean, sitting in a tree

 

| _Dean_ |

Yeah okay shut up

 

| _Castiel_ |

I’m actually sitting on a bed. If Dean’s in a tree, I’m not with him.

 

| _Sam_ |

Dean sitting all alone in a tree… how sad

 

| _Dean_ |

I will break you

 

| _Charlie_ |

I guess it comes down to if Cas is willing to leave his family to run away with Dean.

 

| _Castiel_ |

Of course not, I must take care of my children.

 

| _Charlie_ |

Well…

 

| _Dean_ |

You son of a bbfdalabfbuakilfbskdjbfskdvikaducbacl

 

| _Castiel_ |

I don’t think that’s a word.

 

| _Sam_ |

I think you hurt his feelings. Dean… crying all alone in his tree all by himself

 

| _Dean_ |

I WILL KILL YOU!!

 

| _Sam_ |

Oh no, how scary. Lonely crying Dean is gonna to come down from his tree toolnb-k

 

| _Charlie_ |

…

 

| _Castiel_ |

I don’t think that’s a word either.

 

| _Charlie_ |

… dudes?

 

| _Castiel_ |

I think I heard a crash.

 

| _Charlie_ |

They’re such children. Maybe we should just ditch them?

 

| _Castiel_ |

Yes, they’re too easily distracted.

 

| _Charlie_ |

Yeah. We should just hang out. We could become space pirates. Who needs a romantic subplot, anyway?

 

| _Castiel_ |

It sounds entirely unnecessary. Who do you pirate in space?

 

| _Charlie_ |

William Shatner?

 

| _Castiel_ |

I think I shattered him once. I might as well pirate him, as well.

 

| _Charlie_ |

We could pirate all of Star Trek if you want, and have a marathon?

 

| _Castiel_ |

Okay.

 

 

* * *

 

| _Crowley_ |

…

 

| _Crowley_ |

…?

 

| _Crowley_ |

So are you all gone now?

 

| _Crowley_ |

Good. Took you long enough. As it was then.

 

| _Crowley_ |

…

 

| _Crowley_ |

Once Dean was done watching porn, he walked outside and found that his car was in shatters, having been squashed by enormous vampiric ducklings…


End file.
